am i the only one?

last night i wrote out this long, tear inducing paragraph of words and thoughts of my life lately. but decided not to post it in light of a new day and hopefully new beginnings. while i am still very emotionally sick and feel somewhat alone as far as people around me go (minus family of course; but when you're around a group of people, the same people for almost every day, every week, you need new surroundings), i am trying my best to fix it all now and hope that you all can bear with me while i scarcely post and talk about anything interesting anymore.

so...instead of a long, drawn-out article of sadness, here's a song that i have loved ever since i was seven and now love even more since in the last 5 years have been able to relate to it:

"There is no good reason
I should have to be so alone
I'm smothered by this emptiness
Lord I wish I was made of stone
Like a fool I lent my soul to love
And it paid me back in change
God help me am I the only one
Who's ever felt this way?

A heart that's worn and weathered
Would know better than to fight
But I wore mine like a weapon
Played out love like a crime
And it wrung me out and strung me out
And it hung years on my face
God help me, am I the only
Who's ever felt this way?

Now my sense of humor needs a break
I see a shadow in the mirror
And she's laughin' through her tears
One more smile's all I can fake

There is a wound inside me
And it's bleeding like a flood
There are times when I see a light ahead
Hope is not enough
As another night surrounds me
And it pounds me like a wave
God help me, am I the only one
Who's ever felt this way?"


hopefully this will be the last post like this for a good while. so sorry for not keeping this a happy, lovely blog and not posting often. i'm going to try and work on that this next week.

much, much love to you all,
- L

poisoned ocean

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written by lauren nicole scott, ©2010

you feel as if the world is flying past

youself, with faces that have forgotten your

soul

they try to stregthen your weary eyes, but

their help un-ties like a bad knot

can anyone really love her?

no one wants to be that cliche person in a

corner, weeping over nothing

sometimes you cannot help so, no matter

how many times you tell yourself to

become stronger

the pressure of persuations of your inverted

mind could possibly someday be the end of

you

//

seas crash amoung you

your heart pounding like their footsteps on

your heart now broken

fish scramble to get away from toxins

just like you did

you swam as hard from those oily terrors

but sometimes you can't outswim the

memories you wish were the present and

not just of a past

is there enough room in our ocean for

everyone?

can you ever let people in like you once did

without fear of a deadly spill?

//

pray and hope for her tiresome soul

her body can not hold onto the passion

draining much longer

days become blurry emptyness that slip out

of her feet

as she walks forth into lives she has to live

but desires in the very least

life is beckoning, she is beckoning

but no one answers

and we watch and wonder

will anyone, answer?


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tears + fears

A RANT

disclaimer: i just need to get this out of my system, and tomorrow this blog will go back to being positive.

someone PLEASE tell me what i've done. i really would like to know how and why i'm such an awful person, friend, companion, any sort of company! i call, email, write on 'walls', send postcards. but nothing. and if oh my goodness, there is a bite, it's just to give me an excuse as to why we can't hang out or see one another. what in the hell have i done to deserve this?? am i just blind to my mass imperfections and hardship to you..? the big question is, why don't YOU ever try to contact ME? why am i always the one to call, email, write? if you don't want to be seen with me, let me know. if you cannot stand my conversation or sound of my voice, at least tell me somehow! i am so. sick. of trying to make plans, to figure out where to meet someone or be gracious enough to work around your schedule. yeah, i lead a different life and don't have a laid out plan for every day, week, month or year. whenever i PLAN on something, it gets screwed up and i'm so tired of things getting screwed up. then there are those of you who tell me to be more f-cking spontaneous. SERIOUSLY?? what in the world! yeah it was different when i didn't drive or i was younger and more insecure about upsetting my parents and so on an so forth, but really, do not tell me that now. i'm not good at being spontaneous, but at least i am; more than i can say for others i know. this is so ridiculous, why do i have to be that girl in the brothers bloom?? stuck inside, by myself, no one else at all, all day every day my whole life? i just want REAL people, REALLY there with me. experiences i hear and read about. i want those behind the scenes moments from the special features, not the movie ones. where everyones hanging out and laughing or reading the script at the table read for the first time. i want a gag reel to be my life, not bella swan if there never was edward cullen or jacob black. can someone, anyone, tell me that that is not insane?