Thursday, September 30, 2010

honest and straightforward

Things I Miss, Some More Desperately Than Others...

- Autumn. It never comes here. One of the many reasons England was so exciting. Florida is a state that has banished Fall and it's amazing colors that give you great feeling. Hopefully, someday, soon, I can be somewhere where Autumn lives and breathes proudly.

- Friends. Yes, I have them. But they're not around or with me. I adore and love the ones I have, so much, but it's a complete difference when the physical person is around. This would all have been so much easier if I could've or could go out and just have a great time with a good friend or group of them. While moving has helped me to grow as a person and not be stuck in the same town my whole life, it's created hardship in friendships. Either loosing them completely or loosing these parts of the friendship that I love a lot.

- Mail. My home mailbox and P.O. have been empty quite often lately; despite actually not being too far behind on my mail in the last month or so. Of course people get busy or distracted, but it's just annoying, honestly. And when you've been having a bad day or week (or just time in general), mail can really lift your mood. Don't care if I sound bad or selfish, but I'm just really getting sick of having nothing to lift my mood day after day.

- Shopping. It's never been as big a part of my life as most of my girlfriends, but I haven't even been able to make an Etsy purchase or use a discount I got from a blog or email. Bad economny = no job in sight = not a lot of extra cash = no more shopping = bleh. Like I said, not a big deal; but it's one of those things that lifts your mood, puts euphoria into your brain and gets rid of some of the sadness for a bit.

- Food. Nothing looks good. Nothing sounds good. I try to eat something that looks so delicious and my body just rejects it. Too much stress and crying equals bad eating habits? I don't know, but it's unsettling when you can't really eat anything.

- Blog Reading. But I'm working on it. Made a list the other day and am going down it; reading and commenting as far back as the last one I read and commenting all the way through. It's a time-consuming process, but worth it. Because so many of you are little mood lifters yourselves and beyond brilliant inspirations.

- Laughter. One of my favorite things. It's gone. Every time I find it, it just runs away from me again. Have no idea how that happens, but it does. Like trying to capture sunlight in a box or wind in a jar. Again, no friends around physically becomes a part of the equation.

- Life. Just in general. I'm so tired, exhausted. When will it end. When will I find life, be able to live again. And not just go sit in a coffee shop, reading and writing, doing nothing - living. Emotionally I am just so tired. How come I haven't run out of tears yet? I'd really like a good explanation. Everything upsets me and just makes me even more sad that I'm not in England, not witnessing wonders and beautiful life and people and EVERYTHING. Of course I am thankful to be alive, to have a roof over my head, to have air in my lungs; but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with the shit that has happened. Like one of my closest friends always tells me: 'You can't compare one situation or life to the other. If you do that, you'll just exhaust yourself; different situations are different, not equal. You can't compare them to one another, because then it'll never be 'fair'.' So, I'm trying not to compare and trying not to dwell on the sadness. But as I said, I feel as though every time I've captured happiness, it just goes out of my reach again.

Thank you, to all of you. Those who read my last post, and those who commented too. Your words are lovely and so wonderful. I just hope to bring you more inspiring posts in the future, unlike this. And maybe someday posts from a different state or country.

- L

Monday, September 27, 2010

why i'm back in america


excerpt of what my mom wrote while i was in detainment:

"Basically she got intimidated by the iimmigration officer after being put in a different line because s...he was staying (barely) over 90 days. And she told them she was going to be an Au Pair for minimal amount. JOB ~ no visa = red flag = let's meet our quota! (We had been told 6 months was max for a student on a holiday.) They detained her in a place called Tinsley house,google it & you will see not exactly inviting!
There were MANY mistakes made on behalf of their protocol which we will have to address. But for now we just want her back on USA soil."

i'm willing to share, because obviously, not all that happened was spoken about when i recorded that. i'm an open book, so just shoot me an email if you'd like (l.nicolephotos(at)gmail(dot)com).

posting will resume, but i will tell you that i'm seriously considering writing more, personal issues and opinions, than before. and it may not all be positive either. a good friend told me the other night that i very well may be depressed or have some form of it; and i honestly believe it to be true. but i'm not that kind of person and will strive not to be, just so down all the time. i've had friends who've never come out of depression or seen how long it takes and i just don't know how long i can stand to not be happy, it's not a life choice i'll be right/good with.

but life isn't good or fair all the time, i know that, of course. and some of you might not get it or think i'm being completely ridiculous or...something. but i have friends, amazing ones, who've tried to and have somewhat convinced me that i'm not being selfish or acting out of turn with my feelings and thoughts right now. so, while i adore my lovely readers, YOU; this is my space and where my heart and soul will pour into and this whole ordeal is going to change my way of blogging from now on. i've decided that, just now, yes.

so, i hope that, while my life as of late has been scary, unsure, depressing and has rattled my emotional well-being, i do so, so hope that YOU ALL have been having a wonderful life and it's been fulfilling your being and soul to it's very limit,

love and tears,

- L

Monday, September 20, 2010


i'm headed for england at three thirtyPM tomorrow!


- L

Friday, September 3, 2010

bug of the stomach

SO! what has everyone been up to lately?

i had planned on getting lots of packing, purging, reading and letter-writing done in the last week, but my body decided otherwise. it said 'lauren, i think i'm going to make you so sick, you'll have no idea what to do with yourself' and that's how i've been feeling for the past five days.


my stomach, neck, throat, head and mouth have all been hurting this week and have made me feel like doing absolutely nothing. every once and a while at 2 or 3 am, i will get a burst of energy and just have the greatest conversations with friends and listen to loud music while tidying up my room. but then i wake up at 8 and feel SO TERRIBLE, i literally want to detach myself from my stomach and throat.

thankfully, today i've been feeling better and not so 'kill me, just do it now, pleaseeeee' like the entire day and have actually got some stuff done. partially because i have hardly eaten anything and when i do it's bland cereal or rice or applesauce. yummm. told my mom yesterday i really wanted some pizza or chinese food and she said 'you really are trying to kill your stomach, aren't you?'.

but anywho, here's to today being a lot more productive and then tomorrow as well. really lovelies, it's been so bad that i haven't actually 'READ' any of your blogs within the week; so be expecting tons of comments! i'm excited to see what you've all been up to.

for now, hope you enjoy this pretty photography i found and i'm going to work on some new blogs for you all over the weekend and next week.

THANK YOU, so so so so so much for all the incredible comments and encouragement on that post. really, it meant so much and i know some of you get so many more than i do, but those 17 comments were beyond lovely and special and i loved reading each one. it's going to be such a blast sharing some of these experiences with you and all of the photos i'll be taking as well, :].

(all images via my favorites.)