when you realize what's coming out of your mouth and the opinions in your head start to seem disenchanting, you break down.
the number of times of brokenness and 'breaking down', i've lost count. there's too many reasons, right or ridiculous.
friends.
love.
God.
they all play big parts in the plays of our lives. they can ruin our emotional system and way of living. they can heal your heart and mend your mind. they can be the worst demon to enter your atmosphere or the kindest soul to stand strong beside you. this, i say in yes, all three.
the wreckage that comes from these three parts in your play may be heartbreakingly hurtful or disgustingly beautiful. depending on how far into the lost-ness of the world you find yourself or where you've been before and formed your ideas and hopes.
my heart is like a fall leaf that's sat on the earth for a week. so fragile that if you mess with it too much, it will combust and the pieces fly away into the wind and grass.
putting up defenses is something i've never been a good craftsman in. letting people in and hoping they'll love me, not once again just leave and never look back is a trade i'm in good practice in. you want to show me affection? tell me i'm important in your life? tell me that i'm beautiful? tell me i matter?
do so.
because i will fall for those words. and when the true darkness out of all the seemingly beautiful light comes through. my heart shatters. it combusts. i feel empty. like my life is nothing of worth. if i were to disappear tomorrow, no one would care.
this is not a way of being dramatic. this is what my mind tortures me through; sometimes for years at a time.
people let you down. so much. so much sometimes your life just feels like an empty book, blank pages just waiting to be filled again. because, when someone is so amazing and such a wonderful person to fill you with love and joy; when they leave, it's twenty times more devastating because of all the care they've shown and that something that shows humanity is still out there.
love hurts. it's never run my life though, luckily. it doesn't affect my decisions and how i act around men.
currently, passionate love doesn't have much place in my life. but that doesn't mean there isn't longing. i see the beauty in men, i've come to realize. sometimes more than women when i really examine things.
good men, that is.
there are so few of them anymore, really. so few and so few that realize the beauty that surrounds their presence in life.
we're very pre cautious these days, most of us. sometimes more so when it comes to finding or building relationships with the opposite sex. a guard to protect our hearts no matter how many or few times it's been broken is up and we make sure that whomever enters will be caring and considerate when the guard is taken down.
my want out of men has never been, really, has never been anything more than a friend. a good, best friend from someone whom is protective like an older brother and wants to introduce me to his significant other along with his mom. and that the story doesn't take a cliche turn and we wind up together in the end.
because when i watch a film and see the friendship between the female lead and her male best friend, that is what i wish for.
maybe it's just something that comes with time for some women. while i want a man in my life, i don't, honestly. being in a relationship-relationship takes too much time out of your life. it can make you a completely different person or make that person the only one in your life by abandonment of the others that were always there before. not always, but i have a feeling that's the way it is with your first real love.
because, despite having a few somewhat-relationships, there's never been a passionate love. maybe i'm alone in this, but when deciding to enter something beyond the realm of friendship, i take it really seriously. this is someone whom you're letting in, whom could be your equal half and the love could be overflowing where you don't know what to do with yourself.
truly, i've never wanted to have flings or trysts or what ever you might call them. but i've also never been naive to think the first person you're in a serious relationship will wind up as your partner for life. there are always exceptions and i cannot foresee the future, but i don't want to seem unknowing either. some of my most lovely friends married their first loves.
there's also an odd feeling that overcomes me sometimes that it will be of a large circumstance that i'll marry someone. that this person will have great influence and be beautifully bold in light of the entire world.
that being stated, i do know that it will be atleast 5, if not 10 years before i'll marry someone.
i'm odd. there's admittance. i get strong feelings, notions and extreme deja vu. with almost every aspect of life.
all i can hope is that if there are any other significant other loves in my life before then, that they will leave me with peace and not misunderstanding. sometimes, looking back, i wonder not what it is i might have done wrong or said wrong to a certain man, but where his head was. why didn't he do something or say something more pursuingly and not leave my heart with an unknowing disgust for every man i'd meet thereafter.
the being that created this earth. He's someone whom i've been angry with for quite some time.
whenever people would tell me that they used to be angry with God or are, i would never grasp that idea.
up until those teenage years that make some kids feel the most different and alone person living, i had a happy upbringing and life. not much bothered me and i was pretty optimistic all the time. i even made a statement such as, 'why would anyone be depressed? life is great! there's no reason to be sad!'.
this was not because i had the most grand life; but because the thought that someone could be so unhappy with life or the life they had and the people in it was so beyond me and i just couldn't find that idea in my life.
trust me, now i know why. more so than i ever could think how and any rational reason to say it was okay for it to be present.
to think of all the reasons why i feel so out of love and into a deep, disturbing hate for God, almost, is very unnerving and almost petty when i read some. the outpouring of the past six months just blurted itself out of my system.
God, i'm angry with you because...
you put me on a plane back to america.
you have never let me live somewhere where i was ever really happy.
you've put person after person into my life whom has let me down.
you've not given me a passion to ever put forth change.
you've made me become someone that only finds faults in people.
you gave me skills but haven't helped me use them.
you've put me in a selfish country, therefore i've become narcissistic.
you made me experience sheer terrified loneliness and dis-compassion.
you put me in a cell in a country i thought i would be in love with.
you made me a person who holds onto things, forever.
you made lies stand out more than understanding.
you let me get to such a bad place.
you gave others gifts that i thought i had and let them use them.
you gave me opportunities to only take them away right after.
you put people in my life who taught me to hate you.
you left me alone without means of getting back.
you let me push myself away from you.
you allowed me to laugh at those who believed in you truly.
you made me think i was completely unimportant and unwanted.
you let me get so out of whom i was and into this place of self-destruction and hatred for those making life-changing and loving decisions. i started to hate things and certain types of people i once cared most for and wanted to be like. you let lies be fed to me that made me so cynical that i cried at how lost i was to find what i really thought.
the cynicism outweighed all else until i fell broken and my heart immensely shattered at someones door whom i once thought hated me and didn't care.
now. i'm in a place of re-understanding. of growing closer again. all because of that person and the words YOU let into my life. of trying to let go of all the anger and not let my walls be built with so much concrete. of letting people not bother me so much. of pure just letting go.
as much as i want instant gratification, it will not happen. this disenchantment that grew with you will take time to heal, my wounds are deep and stream with infections of colors that i cannot truly describe to anyone but you because you know. i used to believe only because there was fear not to. others of importance and withholding told me i must and so i did.
i believed for myself during the summer of my life. but afterwards, when everyone left me and was kicked out of the one place of belief in you i had, the impassionate nature i grasped onto started.
only when you tore me out of england in the most terrifying 24 hours of my life. being treated like the utmost criminal; no sleep, no nourishment, no passion for anything but not getting back on a plane and an unwanted anger for people i thought i would embrace - did i start to completely unwind.
why you would give me such an opportunity and rip it away from me in such haste gave me such underlying anger and pure hatred. you ruined my life. or so i thought, the lies feeding my mind.
not in the mood to make assumptions or declare statements i'm unsure if i trust. maybe you didn't want me there. maybe you needed me back here for something. maybe you knew i wasn't ready. maybe maybe maybe. i don't have the time or want to say things i don't know for sure.
all i do know is that i feel such clarity. i feel such clarity for you bringing and re-bringing people into my life who will give me strength in life and with you. whom will not tear me down and will re-new and find things to help me and let me know i'm loved. important. not alone. and wanted.
wanted by you, the being without whom i would most certainly not even come to exist on earth.
wanted by loving companions in life who'll show me how great i can be. with you. who'll help to teach me and learn how only with your hands can my gifts be strengthened and i come to a place where the anger is all gone. no more exists. i can see people the way i used to.
that i will have brand new eyes.
that my fall leaf will be encased in love so deep from you and others that it should never have to shatter again.
