as i sit here in this restaurant, just by myself, some water and my computer, i realize something.
i'm content.
my whole life, because of being a member of a nomad family, i've been alone. playing, singing, seeing movies, sitting in coffee shops, shopping..everything.
always, i've wanted more, someone physically there. people to build memories with and have times to look back on in laughter or tears. people there to say 'hey! do you remember that time...' as we sit and wait for a movie to start.
yes. they're there. five wonderful people whom i love more than anything because i do and it's not a obligatory or blood related thing. but they're not here, physically, in the same town.*
but as i sit here. just me, reading and writing all alone with the elevator music, it's almost like a little oven timer went off in my head.
i'm content. just as i am, by myself.
would i love some company? of course. nothing would be more brilliant than to have all the people i hold most dear close by all the time. honestly though, i think it could ruin it. not the friendship of course, but a balance moreso. if EVERYONE, close friends, good friends, were all living in a 20 mile radius from me...my heart could very well combust.
it would be too much!
not saying i like it this way, all the time. most certainly do i get lonely or wish that my bank account was one of a millionaires and i could fly to see everyone, every week. more than anything, do some days i just want to hug someone and tell them that everything's going to be alright, in person. (and vice versa.)
in 2011, that's something i'd really love to achieve. to have 'met' everyone i hold most dear, have those memories made; and to take roll after roll of film, and have those photographs of captured time forever.
but for this moment, on the first day of the year, i am honestly content. finally.
*(one out of five people i love and trust most is in the same city as myself, which i think helps the balance.)
i'm content.
my whole life, because of being a member of a nomad family, i've been alone. playing, singing, seeing movies, sitting in coffee shops, shopping..everything.
always, i've wanted more, someone physically there. people to build memories with and have times to look back on in laughter or tears. people there to say 'hey! do you remember that time...' as we sit and wait for a movie to start.
yes. they're there. five wonderful people whom i love more than anything because i do and it's not a obligatory or blood related thing. but they're not here, physically, in the same town.*
but as i sit here. just me, reading and writing all alone with the elevator music, it's almost like a little oven timer went off in my head.
i'm content. just as i am, by myself.
would i love some company? of course. nothing would be more brilliant than to have all the people i hold most dear close by all the time. honestly though, i think it could ruin it. not the friendship of course, but a balance moreso. if EVERYONE, close friends, good friends, were all living in a 20 mile radius from me...my heart could very well combust.
it would be too much!
not saying i like it this way, all the time. most certainly do i get lonely or wish that my bank account was one of a millionaires and i could fly to see everyone, every week. more than anything, do some days i just want to hug someone and tell them that everything's going to be alright, in person. (and vice versa.)
in 2011, that's something i'd really love to achieve. to have 'met' everyone i hold most dear, have those memories made; and to take roll after roll of film, and have those photographs of captured time forever.
but for this moment, on the first day of the year, i am honestly content. finally.
*(one out of five people i love and trust most is in the same city as myself, which i think helps the balance.)
i hope i find this feeling someday :) x
ReplyDeleteA beautiful, touching post. The whole time I was reading, my eyes were damp, but I was smiling. You go girl! Cheers to a new year!
ReplyDeleteI am happy for you! It is good to know who you are and to be content. I was a military brat that moved every 6 months... I have lived the life of a tumbleweed and have been a loner. I seldom made friends since it was too hard to leave them behind when the next set of orders came and we were moving again. One day, I did find the love of my life, who is also a loner. So we happily raised children who were content with their own company as well.
ReplyDeleteI hope that you remain at peace with yourself, I also hope that you will find joy in the company of others, (your friends that you can't see every day...), and new friends that appreciate you and allow you to be you. Elle
www.artofaletter.blogspot.com
Lovely post Lauren.
ReplyDeleteAwe, maybe I'll actually get to visit you this year, Lauren. I had planned on surprising you with Paramore tickets during the HCT, but that didn't work out. :( Maybe they'll play close to one of us again this year. I would love to share that experience with you since you helped spark my love for them! :)
ReplyDeleteSuch a heart wrenching post and yet at the same time its comforting knowing that you've found what matters most - contentment ..Its prob the most diff thing to achieve and glad your new year's begun on such a fantastic note ..
ReplyDeleteMay you achieve your dream of meeting everyone close to you this year :)