Thursday, July 1, 2010

what's love got to do with it?

more than anything, i hate seeming like a person who is depressed. who is failing, who is so tired of life. but i guess i don't care anymore, i guess. somehow i've found myself at nineteen, hating everyone, almost, because of the realization that i'm alone. yes, i have family; but i spend SO much time with them, i find myself volunteering to go get milk, which takes ten minutes, just to get out of the house. of course i love my parents, but for the past year or so we've been on an on and off basis of getting along and wanting to rip each others' eyes out. gosh, i feel so incredibly naive to even talk about this, but you know what, it's my life and i'm trying to get over being really ashamed of it. it'll be a good year or two before i can get out of here, live life my way and not have to worry about the consequences. having no job is fine with me until it comes time to do anything or go anywhere. working at dead end jobs has no appeal to me in any form and i'm so tired of looking to get 'we're not hiring', 'we're already cutting back on hours' and 'it's not season, come back in september or october'; oh dear lord, i am so sick of hearing those three things. so much so that i just don't care to go out and drive around all day getting rejected at most places i do not even want to be at let alone work at. i hate money. i hate how it controls life and america so much. it's so disgusting how greedy everyone here is. who gives a shit if it's 'un-american' or wrong to say how horrible our country has become, but it's true. maybe if we were still under the rule of a monarchy and prime minister, we wouldn't be in so much trouble or have too many issues with handling money and our economy. look at how much more the euro is worth in comparison to the american dollar, that's proof enough. none of that matters in the fact that i feel alone, but it's just been on my mind a lot lately. i want you all to know that i appreciate your kindness and care through comments and letters and postcards, everything. please don't ever doubt that i'm grateful; those things mean the world to me right now and brighten my day up more than you'll ever know, really. a lot of people and bloggers say that, but i truly mean it. while it's awesome to get ten or more comments, just one that's significant and lovely will make my week and really make me smile and happy. so please, do not think that my loneliness is in relation to you at all. or that i'm ignoring you by taking a break from letter-writing the past two or three weeks. it was kind of un-planned, but necessary to clear my head and sort of get a grip and figure out why i was writing and whom i was writing to, so on and so forth. you guys are awesome, end of story. but despite all the amazing pen-friends i have, i am alone. sure, i have one..maybe two people locally that are friends and really care about me and love me. but i don't have people around enough to have a life with them and laugh and talk and create memories with. i live in a town that is where people over the age of seventy belong october through april and middle & high schoolers belong may through september. there's no where for me. i belong no where. while i am independent and can do fine on my own, that doesn't matter in the fact that there is nowhere for me to go and be. while i am very much so a believer, a christian and grew up in that environment, i'm taking a break from it because every church i go to doesn't fit and seems to be focused in the wrong areas for me and/or the teachings aren't my cup of tea. those of you who've ever searched for a church or are religious, know what i'm speaking of; those of you who aren't, just skip ahead, i don't mind. while i love God and know that He loves me, i'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that he's made my life so ridiculously annoying, frustrating and always seems to add on something to the already huge pile of crap i have to deal with every day. a lot of which i just don't want to talk about on here, because whether it's believable or not, i do want this to remain a happy blog and not put a bunch of personal drama into it. while i know there are people who care, and again i really love you for that, we all prefer to read happy, lovely things and not be brought down any more than we could be already or get pulled into this world where there's nothing positive. while i have discussed this topic before, i keep coming back to it like a bad habit. it haunts my thoughts at night and i dream of sitting alone, at the top of a hill, looking down on everyone i've ever considered a friend just laughing and talking with one another but never even glancing at me. not once. and i look off into the distance that could be my future and all i see is a mirror. reflecting the only person that i can depend on? i don't know, but i'm starting to feel like i belong on shutter island. will anyone glance my way? call me? send an email to me or be the first to carry out any contact at all? or will i choose to just be the pathetic person begging for some kind of attention and heart from people, as i have my entire life? do we all really grow up to have no friends like i've heard is true? or is there the possibility of having relationships that aren't formed from the workplace or relatives. is this just a dream that gets inside your head in your high school years, that you'll have friends throughout your whole life and you won't always feel lonely when you're by yourself. or like me, have been by yourself almost every day for a year?

i'm not asking for the sympathy vote or wanting to seem like a person who just wants attention, etc. but i do ask that i'm kept in your prayers or in the back of your mind where the good, positive thoughts go. i'll be needing both if things don't get better.
- L

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