Monday, May 24, 2010

tears + fears

disclaimer: i just need to get this out of my system, and tomorrow this blog will go back to being positive.

someone PLEASE tell me what i've done. i really would like to know how and why i'm such an awful person, friend, companion, any sort of company! i call, email, write on 'walls', send postcards. but nothing. and if oh my goodness, there is a bite, it's just to give me an excuse as to why we can't hang out or see one another. what in the hell have i done to deserve this?? am i just blind to my mass imperfections and hardship to you..? the big question is, why don't YOU ever try to contact ME? why am i always the one to call, email, write? if you don't want to be seen with me, let me know. if you cannot stand my conversation or sound of my voice, at least tell me somehow! i am so. sick. of trying to make plans, to figure out where to meet someone or be gracious enough to work around your schedule. yeah, i lead a different life and don't have a laid out plan for every day, week, month or year. whenever i PLAN on something, it gets screwed up and i'm so tired of things getting screwed up. then there are those of you who tell me to be more f-cking spontaneous. SERIOUSLY?? what in the world! yeah it was different when i didn't drive or i was younger and more insecure about upsetting my parents and so on an so forth, but really, do not tell me that now. i'm not good at being spontaneous, but at least i am; more than i can say for others i know. this is so ridiculous, why do i have to be that girl in the brothers bloom?? stuck inside, by myself, no one else at all, all day every day my whole life? i just want REAL people, REALLY there with me. experiences i hear and read about. i want those behind the scenes moments from the special features, not the movie ones. where everyones hanging out and laughing or reading the script at the table read for the first time. i want a gag reel to be my life, not bella swan if there never was edward cullen or jacob black. can someone, anyone, tell me that that is not insane?


  1. I know *exactly* how you feel. I'm also always trying to get people to do things and I hate it when they don't follow through. You know what though? It has nothing to do with you. You're doing all the right things, so maybe you should concentrate your energies elsewhere. Go out to a new coffee shop and talk to the people there. Or something like that. Let go of your expectations and let someone awesome waltz into your life.

    It's hard, but I believe you can do it. :) And maybe someone will realize how awesome you are and how much they've been neglecting you and give you a call.

  2. I'm new to your blog, but I totally get what you're saying. You rock for writing this.

  3. I'm not new to your blog, but I don't think I've commented before. I just wanted you to know that I think there's a group of us that go through this. It's just a shame that we don't all live in the same area. I've lost friends over this topic. I got tired of always having to meet them, contact them, go over to their houses. And then when I asked them to come visit and see my latest paintings and work on the house, they say yes and never show up, or call and cancel. Or let's meet at a place I like...nope, no could do.

    You can only jump through so many hoops, so it's understandable to feel distraught.

    I think you've probably got a lot more patience than me though!

    I hope you're having a good wednesday though. The week is half over!

  4. oh sweet girl... it's because you have SUCH a giving heart.

    sending you ALL my hugs!!! (funny enough, i just put together some mail art for you and I AM SOOOOO EXCITED for you to get it! ha... i think you'll know it when you see it!)

    can't wait to "watch" sex and the city with you!!! :) i'll have to let you know showings tomorrow because i can't believe they have NO times up right now. CRAZY huh?

    thinking of you xo

  5. Wow-did I write this? i feel that way all the time. It seems that i am always the one giving in my relationships which seem to fall into complete ruin later. It's crazy. I don't know why people are the way they are. Why can't we all just be friends?
    Sending you big hugs!


you're brilliant, thanks so much for commenting!