disclaimer: i just need to get this out of my system, and tomorrow this blog will go back to being positive.
someone PLEASE tell me what i've done. i really would like to know how and why i'm such an awful person, friend, companion, any sort of company! i call, email, write on 'walls', send postcards. but nothing. and if oh my goodness, there is a bite, it's just to give me an excuse as to why we can't hang out or see one another. what in the hell have i done to deserve this?? am i just blind to my mass imperfections and hardship to you..? the big question is, why don't YOU ever try to contact ME? why am i always the one to call, email, write? if you don't want to be seen with me, let me know. if you cannot stand my conversation or sound of my voice, at least tell me somehow! i am so. sick. of trying to make plans, to figure out where to meet someone or be gracious enough to work around your schedule. yeah, i lead a different life and don't have a laid out plan for every day, week, month or year. whenever i PLAN on something, it gets screwed up and i'm so tired of things getting screwed up. then there are those of you who tell me to be more f-cking spontaneous. SERIOUSLY?? what in the world! yeah it was different when i didn't drive or i was younger and more insecure about upsetting my parents and so on an so forth, but really, do not tell me that now. i'm not good at being spontaneous, but at least i am; more than i can say for others i know. this is so ridiculous, why do i have to be that girl in the brothers bloom?? stuck inside, by myself, no one else at all, all day every day my whole life? i just want REAL people, REALLY there with me. experiences i hear and read about. i want those behind the scenes moments from the special features, not the movie ones. where everyones hanging out and laughing or reading the script at the table read for the first time. i want a gag reel to be my life, not bella swan if there never was edward cullen or jacob black. can someone, anyone, tell me that that is not insane?