Thursday, September 30, 2010

honest and straightforward

Things I Miss, Some More Desperately Than Others...

- Autumn. It never comes here. One of the many reasons England was so exciting. Florida is a state that has banished Fall and it's amazing colors that give you great feeling. Hopefully, someday, soon, I can be somewhere where Autumn lives and breathes proudly.

- Friends. Yes, I have them. But they're not around or with me. I adore and love the ones I have, so much, but it's a complete difference when the physical person is around. This would all have been so much easier if I could've or could go out and just have a great time with a good friend or group of them. While moving has helped me to grow as a person and not be stuck in the same town my whole life, it's created hardship in friendships. Either loosing them completely or loosing these parts of the friendship that I love a lot.

- Mail. My home mailbox and P.O. have been empty quite often lately; despite actually not being too far behind on my mail in the last month or so. Of course people get busy or distracted, but it's just annoying, honestly. And when you've been having a bad day or week (or just time in general), mail can really lift your mood. Don't care if I sound bad or selfish, but I'm just really getting sick of having nothing to lift my mood day after day.

- Shopping. It's never been as big a part of my life as most of my girlfriends, but I haven't even been able to make an Etsy purchase or use a discount I got from a blog or email. Bad economny = no job in sight = not a lot of extra cash = no more shopping = bleh. Like I said, not a big deal; but it's one of those things that lifts your mood, puts euphoria into your brain and gets rid of some of the sadness for a bit.

- Food. Nothing looks good. Nothing sounds good. I try to eat something that looks so delicious and my body just rejects it. Too much stress and crying equals bad eating habits? I don't know, but it's unsettling when you can't really eat anything.

- Blog Reading. But I'm working on it. Made a list the other day and am going down it; reading and commenting as far back as the last one I read and commenting all the way through. It's a time-consuming process, but worth it. Because so many of you are little mood lifters yourselves and beyond brilliant inspirations.

- Laughter. One of my favorite things. It's gone. Every time I find it, it just runs away from me again. Have no idea how that happens, but it does. Like trying to capture sunlight in a box or wind in a jar. Again, no friends around physically becomes a part of the equation.

- Life. Just in general. I'm so tired, exhausted. When will it end. When will I find life, be able to live again. And not just go sit in a coffee shop, reading and writing, doing nothing - living. Emotionally I am just so tired. How come I haven't run out of tears yet? I'd really like a good explanation. Everything upsets me and just makes me even more sad that I'm not in England, not witnessing wonders and beautiful life and people and EVERYTHING. Of course I am thankful to be alive, to have a roof over my head, to have air in my lungs; but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with the shit that has happened. Like one of my closest friends always tells me: 'You can't compare one situation or life to the other. If you do that, you'll just exhaust yourself; different situations are different, not equal. You can't compare them to one another, because then it'll never be 'fair'.' So, I'm trying not to compare and trying not to dwell on the sadness. But as I said, I feel as though every time I've captured happiness, it just goes out of my reach again.

Thank you, to all of you. Those who read my last post, and those who commented too. Your words are lovely and so wonderful. I just hope to bring you more inspiring posts in the future, unlike this. And maybe someday posts from a different state or country.

- L


  1. I am so sorry. I seriously do feel your sorrows. I know I am only a stranger still, but you are welcome to always come to Birmingham to visit me and we can embrace fall together. I know the feeling of not being able to shop. It blows, but from a better point of view...this time in your life could be meant for something else, something better. How is it better? Because it's different. It IS life. You are living it right now. Those tears, emotions, and dwellings are all a part of what we call life and I know you know this. I just hope that you'll see that no matter what perspective or way you are living it, you are beautiful and only deserve endless moodlifters! You are so young, but carry a light so much brighter than many people twice your age. That is a blessing. I hope you cheer up and feel much much better soon.

    With sincere a cyber hug,
    Michele :)

  2. I can understand how you feel, and think you're very brave to write honestly about your feelings. I try to stay upbeat on my blog, but sometimes it feels so much better to just let things out! Hope it will help you to heal after your emotional and upsetting experience...

    I'll write you a letter this weekend, shall I?

  3. As long as you have an outlet, it will feel so much better.


you're brilliant, thanks so much for commenting!